My childhood dreams consisted of being a singer, being a talk show host, and the world not ending before I could get married and have kids. I never dreamed of being a writer, probably because I never thought I was really that smart. I’ve always loved stories, but I didn’t love reading when I was kid. I just wanted to sing. I sang all the time. The first time I remember singing on stage was at a Wednesday night Awana program with my dad when I was about 3 or 4 years old. It is my first memory, and I think that’s for a reason. I think that even as a tiny little, raspy-voiced, blond hair, blue eyed, preschooler wearing a red bandana, red shirt and blue jeans, I knew: “This is what I’m made to do.”
I’ve always LOVED being on stage. Because my dad was a pastor my whole life, there was never a shortage of choirs, church programs, and summer camp competitions in which to sing. I mean, it was a huge identifying characteristic for me growing up. I was a singer. I entered and won contests. I sang solos and with groups. I sang at home in the mirror. I sang in praise bands in youth groups. I have always sung. My family traveled full time, and I sang at almost every single church we went to. I couldn’t imagine NOT singing.
When I was junior-high and high-school age I really wanted to be on one of the traveling singing teams at Liberty University but didn’t get accepted. I pursued a Christian record label for a bit, but the guy I was dating at the time was a super-jealous type. He said that he wouldn’t wait for me and he wouldn’t go on that journey with me, so we got married. Even then, the church where my first husband and I were on staff in Northern Virginia, I sang every chance I got. It was disappointing when some of those early dreams didn’t work out, but it was fine because wherever I was, I could always find a place to sing.
I continued to sing for years until about 2005 when I was in a really terrible situation with my first husband. We had basically joined a cult, and I was not in any sort of space or position to sing really anywhere. I left that in 2006, and then until about 2011, I was in another toxic marriage that was worse than the first. That added up to about 6 years of not really singing at all. There was no time, room, space, or tolerance for it. I was told by my second husband, who was a small-time music producer, that I sounded terrible and needed to change everything about the way I sounded. There was also a lot of physical domestic abuse during that time that was so damaging, I lost my voice. I literally physically lost it. After I got out of that craziness, I worked really hard; but it took me almost a year to get to the point where I could even carry a tune while singing in the congregation at church. At that point I was back at my home church where I had spent all of junior-high and high school and where my family still attended. The Senior Pastor there told me that the only reason anyone wants me on stage is because of the way I look. Summer of 2012, I spent a few months back in Northern Virginia with some friends who were helping get a new church up and running. This is where I started to find my voice again.
And, thankfully, later in 2012, I found myself at a great church in the Dallas area where I was able to start really singing again more regularly. I was able to be in a mostly healthy environment where I had a lot of coaching and opportunity to sing and grow vocally. I spent most of the last 9 years as a worship leader at my church and filling in at other churches when they needed someone. Through lots of lovely people over the past several years, my childhood dreams and confidence were restored. To say the church played a role in my love for singing and gave me an opportunity to use my God-given gifts would be an understatement.
18-year-old Ariel who thought life was going to be one way is now sitting here 20 years later with a much different perspective.
I remember as a kid saying, “I will never sing a song I don’t mean!” I remember almost having an attitude about it. Most of what I listened to was Christian music, and that attitude came from a very judgmental point of view where I thought I was going to be the one girl to have everything so together that I would mean all of these lovely things I would sing over the course of my life about God, faith, and love. Of course, as a worship leader, I’ve sung plenty of songs I didn’t mean. I have stood on a stage in front of thousands of people singing about how God will make a way, yet I’m standing there in such a dark place and there seems to be no way; at least, not one I can see. I’ve sung words inviting God’s refining fire to purify my heart and in that moment it was honestly the last thing I wanted. So many weeks where I hoped that maybe if I sing these words I would at least be in a place where I would want what I’m singing about. I would pray that what I was singing would change my heart. Sometimes I felt that change right away. Sometimes I needed to wrestle a little more. And sometimes I never felt the change.
There have been plenty of times I have sung songs and meant them with my whole heart, body, mind, spirit, whatever. I say all that to say the 18-year-old Ariel who thought life was going to be one way is now sitting here 20 years later with a much different perspective. I’m sure 20 years from now, 58 year old Ariel will say the same thing about me now. And that’s okay.
This blog post is your warning that you may not like all of my songs… My heart in writing songs is to share what this unexpected journey has taught me…
This past year I started writing original songs with my friend, Matthew. They are such an incredible musician with a gift for seeing the magic in me that I fail to see in myself sometimes. They have encouraged me to dig deep and share my writing with the world rather than just keep a really long list of lyrics in the notes app on my phone. This blog post is your warning that you may not like all of my songs. You may not like any of them. I doubt that, but some of you may have known me for years and you may hear something you don’t like: the topics, sound, style, language, etc. Honestly, I’m ok with that. My heart in writing songs is to share what this unexpected journey has taught me: What I’ve experienced in love and loss; To maybe have someone listen to one of them and know they aren’t alone in their situation; To give someone a glimpse of what I’ve felt or thought at different points of my life and maybe you have felt or thought the same way; To talk about a struggle or relationship or feeling that was or is real but maybe frowned upon; To have a space to create honestly. I want to write and sing songs that I mean. I want to look at my childhood self and say, “You did it.”
I love behind-the-scenes type things, so my plan is to write a short blog post about each song when it comes out. Maybe who it’s about. Maybe a little bit of what went into the writing process. What inspired a favorite lyric or something musically in the song. I’m excited to do this and excited to see where the songwriting path leads. As I am a multifaceted human, each song has a little different vibe. Matthew has taken the lyrics and story I wanted to tell and so brilliantly written music that best tells that story.
I am learning that sometimes you have a God-given dream or knowing in your soul, a destination, but you don’t really get to choose how you get there.
I sit here writing this blog post looking at where I am now, and in all honesty I am where I always wanted to be. The journey looked different than I imagined, but I am learning that sometimes you have a God-given dream or knowing in your soul, a destination, but you don’t really get to choose how you get there. You just have to hold onto it and keep heading in that direction; doing the best you can with what you have and what you know; trusting that somehow it works out the way it’s supposed to; trusting that the path you would have chosen for your journey versus the road actually travelled would have left you lacking the experience needed to truly live in the destination to which you were traveling; to be what you were created to be.
Here’s to continuing the journey!
Ariel Talitha 